Wednesday, July 26, 2006
It's that time of year again
The week of feeling emotionally craptastic. July 19-29th. Fuck. I'm not sure how after all this time, close to a decade, I'm still kicked in the gut by Rick's birthday thru my wedding anniversary.
Every year. Things will be going along just fine then all the sudden I get depressed and sure as shit, I look at the calendar and it's the end of July. I mean, JESUS, we weren't married long at all. This is the first year though, that I haven't gone out to the cemetery to drop off some flowers. I don't think that my marriage to Rick defines me, but I definitely think having gone thru everything shaped who I am now.
I'm sure it would be a different story if I was already remarried and had a family, but I'm not. I think this time of year just makes me reflective and I think about what could have been. I could have a kid or two by now in elementary school. I also could be a single mom raising those kids alone. And the life I have now, isn't shitty at all. I have a great job, great friends, I've been given great opportunities all of which wouldn't have happened if I wasn't on this path. I most definitely wouldn't be living in Minnesota.
For some reason this is my path. My past is what I have to work with. My future is bright ahead of me. I know that. I understand that. I still feel like shit. I know it will pass. I just wonder when I'll get thru a July with out this feeling.
FUCK.
Every year. Things will be going along just fine then all the sudden I get depressed and sure as shit, I look at the calendar and it's the end of July. I mean, JESUS, we weren't married long at all. This is the first year though, that I haven't gone out to the cemetery to drop off some flowers. I don't think that my marriage to Rick defines me, but I definitely think having gone thru everything shaped who I am now.
I'm sure it would be a different story if I was already remarried and had a family, but I'm not. I think this time of year just makes me reflective and I think about what could have been. I could have a kid or two by now in elementary school. I also could be a single mom raising those kids alone. And the life I have now, isn't shitty at all. I have a great job, great friends, I've been given great opportunities all of which wouldn't have happened if I wasn't on this path. I most definitely wouldn't be living in Minnesota.
For some reason this is my path. My past is what I have to work with. My future is bright ahead of me. I know that. I understand that. I still feel like shit. I know it will pass. I just wonder when I'll get thru a July with out this feeling.
FUCK.
# posted by Amy @ 12:05 AM 
Comments:
<< Home
And I thank goodness that you're in Minnesota. It's interesting where life takes us and wondering "what could have been." But, as I'm sure you know, and as you live every other 51 weeks of the year, "what is" is far more important... as long as we're not sitting through coversations of childbirth and menses FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
Post a Comment
<< Home
